Happy New Year!

It’s New Year’s Eve!! Yay!

This is the first year I’ve spent the holiday by myself. My parents are out of town and most of my friends had previous plans or didn’t feel like going out (I didn’t either!) Some people might think it’s pathetic to spend NYE alone, but I don’t mind it. I get to watch a marathon of Harry Potter movies and eat my favorite foods. Tonight I made Jalapeno Popper Chicken (recipe review to come…I think). I also love the freedom to reflect on this past year and think about the year to come.

To be honest, I’m happy to see 2012 end. It was a rough year.

Christmas DIY

As might be expected, about 90% of my Christmas gifts this year were homemade. I forged into some new mediums of sewing & mod podge. Furthermore, all my inspiration came directly from my pinterest boards.

My sister & cousin are both professional chefs. Although my cousin no longer works as a chef, he and my sister both have a particular attitude in the kitchen. Mostly they like to be creative, hate cookbooks, and make amazing food. When they were here at Thanksgiving, my cousin commented that cookbooks are “a waste of money.” His argument is that he can look at the ingredients, figure out where they are headed, and do it the way he wants to. I thought this was a ridiculous argument. I love my recipes and without their detailed instructions, well, I would eat a lot of Top Ramen.

But I realized that I have the same attitude towards craft & DIY projects! I look at the materials, skim through the instructions and make it the way I want to.

Today’s crafting review: DIY Kindle (or Nook) Cover.

I < 3 books...maybe a bit too much!

So I have a literary problem.

I am addicted to books.

No, seriously.

I am a member of two book clubs which ensures that I am always reading at least two books per month.

I don't have a lot of extra money so I have to get most of my books from the library. Occasionally I will splurge on a book I just can't wait for. So a few months ago I bought books 1 & 2 from the Daughter of Smoke & Bone trilogy. The sad thing is I haven't opened either one yet!

November Adventures

Prior to the month of November I made two decisions that radically impacted my month. One was free and one cost me a pretty penny but both have kept me extremely busy. Oh and there was a holiday and family drama thrown in the mix. Lovely.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Well it’s the day after the holiday and I’m officially full of turkey, cornbread stuffing, and caramel pumpkin pie. We have to be fancy here at the Hill house ;) Our meal was amazing and we have enough leftovers to last the rest of the year (not that I’m complaining!)

Waiting: Week Three~ish

I have to say I am coming off of a wonderful weekend. My best friend (hi Erin!) was here for 3 days before leaving me to go back to Oregon. We had a blast at another friend’s “goodbye bash,” a baby shower, and a girls game night. I got very little sleep and drank a lot of coffee but those are my favorite times. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be having another one of those weekends in just three days. I will be flying to Oregon for my sister’s graduation!

I’m absolutely positive I will get not enough sleep, but will get to spend precious, precious time with my beautiful sister. So far I’ve been promised a fancy caramel making session, wine tasting in the Willamette Valley, dinner at her fancy pants restaurant, and lots of uber closeness that will drive her bananas. :)

On top of that, God continues to patiently teach me about the process of waiting and I’m surprisingly finding more & more joy as I continue to pursue Him.

My wonderful journey continued with last week’s post: http://www.heirswithchrist.com/2012/10/15-free-to-fail-so-dont-wait.html

I was drawn to this quote from the above blog: “Cynicism masquerades as strength. We build buttresses made of negative promises. Arrows can’t pierce nonexistent dreams.”

The hills & valleys of waiting.

I love metaphors.

They are such fun little packages waiting to be unpacked. And they have this beautiful ability to help explain the unexplainable. What’s not to love about them?

One of my favorite metaphors for life with God is the image of our life as full of hills & valleys. It is so clear and easy to understand.

while I’m waiting…

The providence of God’s timing is—of lately—been something that has frustrated me, which I shall explain in a moment .

However, this morning I couldn’t help but notice a bit of perfect timing in my life. And now that I think about it, if it weren’t for my current circumstances I might not have noticed all this in the first place!

Browsing on pinterest this morning lead me to this blog: http://www.heirswithchrist.com/ and to this post: http://www.heirswithchrist.com/2012/09/what-are-you-waiting-for_30.html

What am I waiting for?? Oh, where to begin! There are so many things in my life that aren’t “done” or are not “where they should be.” Reading through this post, I was struck by the fact that I’m not alone. Perhaps this obvious to others, but a lot of times I feel like everyone else's life is so together and then there's little ol' me: still waiting. Today, I was reminded that everyone is waiting for something.

SYTYCD: Winner Chosen!

It’s the finale!! To the show!

The top 20 returned :) I loved having all of them back. As is tradition, they double up the judges panel and ask them to each pick a favorite to have performed again. This year the top four also picked a favorite dance. They showcased some favorite moments from the audition tour and they had some new routines to the show as well.

Although I loved the show and I got to see a lot of my favorite routines again, I wish they had showcased a bigger variety of performances. I get that a lot of the stronger routines happen towards the end of the season, but the top 4 were already guaranteed a lot of performance time and I think it would have been nice to see more from people who are no longer competing. The votes have been cast and I feel like the final show should be a celebration of dance and all the competitors. Okay, off my soapbox and onto the stuff we actually got to see :)

Recipe Review: Jalapeño Crusted Chicken

Whenever I eat or cook, my rule of thumb is spicy. I love to add chipotle or chili pepper to any dish.

This weeks recipe inspiration I found through pinterest from this blog: http://www.mylifeasamrs.com/2011/11/jalapeno-kettle-chip-crusted-chicken-with-jalapeno-ranch.html

Just looking at the photos and the recipe description made me excited about this dish plus it gave me an excuse to buy Jalapeño Kettle Chips :)

SYTYCD: Top 4 Perform

Overall thoughts: Still bummed that I missed last weeks show and since I was out of town this weekend, I still haven’t had a chance to watch it. :( However, this was a fun performance and I’m glad that final four all got a chance to dance in their own style. I’m not going to comment on the solo performances separately. They were all beautiful and showcased what amazing dancers they all are.

SYTYCD: Top 6 Perform; 2 eliminated...Part 1

Overall thoughts: I sat down Wednesday night, ready to watch the show and enjoy a glass of wine and MY DVR FAILED TO RECORD IT. I have NO idea why. So all I caught was the tail end of Cyrus & Tiffany’s performance.
:(

I almost had a rant last week over my cable provider (AT&T) when the recording hiccupped and missed part of the elimination (I actually never saw them save Cole). But it felt catty and unnecessary. Claws are off tonight. I feel like I have the worst cable provider ever. It skips in the middle of shows all the time. Or the cable box will just fail and I have to wait while it reboots itself—which never happens during commercials but just during the most dramatic moments of an episode. Furthermore, ESPN & AT&T are mad at each other so the best solution was to refuse to broadcast about 30 Angel’s games. Genius, right? Ugh as soon as I am able to get a different cable provider, you bet your bottom dollar it will be ANYBODY except for AT&T.

Okay, back to the show. I did see the elimination so I know who’s in the top 4 and I’m happy with the results. I will do a full review of the episode once it is available online, but until then, here are the finalists for season 9:

SYTYCD: Top 8 Perform; 2 Eliminated

Overall thoughts: Remember a few weeks ago when I said my posts would get shorter once dancers started to be eliminated? Yeah, I forgot how they still fill the same amount of time by just making everyone dance more. So tonight everyone is performing twice: one solo and once with an all-star. I’m kind of awful at critiquing solos so I’ll probably just say that I loved it. Or I’ll start talking about that dancer’s “story.” Also can we just take a moment and say how awesome Jesse Tyler Ferguson is? He is the best guest judge. He actually knows what he’s talking about and just loves on the dancers. And to quote him, “how insane were the performances tonight??” Seriously, this is one of the best shows of the season. Let’s get to it!

SYTYCD: Top 10 Perform; 2 Eliminated

Wowzers this is a delayed post!! Apparently my summer has also been all about being busy on Wednesday nights. My latest excuse is actually a legit one (IMO). I had a job interview in a city 250 miles from my house and the place I was staying didn’t have T.V. (which was actually really nice to be honest. I really should shut down my electronics more often). Anyway, and then after I got back I was busy with life and well Monday is the first day I was able to sit down to watch and review the show.

Overall thoughts: ALL-STARS are back!!! I forgot to mention last week that it was finally announced that All-Stars were to be a part of this seasons show. I love the all-stars for two reasons. 1) It allows you to focus on the competing dancer instead of comparing/paying attention to two at the same time. 2) There are some dancers that are brilliant and I just want to watch them again and again (like Alex Wong for example.) Plus the all-star dancers aren’t competing and I think they dance better because of it. On to the show!

A sweet birthday surprise.

I’m so excited to share my latest completed crochet project (I always have at least 3 or 4 going on at one time!)

My sister’s birthday was last month and she is a pastry chef so it seemed only fitting to make her potholders with cupcakes on them! Sometimes when I get these super awesome ideas there are zero patterns to assist my creative muse. Not this time. Apparently cupcakes as potholders is a fairly popular idea (there are thousands of results on google image search!)

The pattern I settled on is this one (from ravelry). Doni Speigle’s potholders are incredibly cute and I couldn’t wait to make my own!

SYTYCD: Top 14 Perform/ 4 Eliminated

Overall thoughts: Double elimination tonight! Wasn’t expecting that :/ They also dedicated the show to Mia Michaels which I think is pretty sweet. It was interesting to have old routines re-imagined. I have not seen any of the originals so I did not struggle with separating the performances the way the judges did. However, I missed not knowing the story behind them so for many of the performances it was just a dance to me.

We all make mistakes :(

Wow, tonight is a night of epic fails. Well maybe "epic" is not the most appropriate word, but jeeze I sure made a lot of mistakes this week!

Mistake #1: I didn't watch SYTYCD! I know, what's wrong with me?!? I'll blame the Olympics for throwing off my T.V. viewing schedule. That and I was at a friend's house until 1:00am on Wednesday. woops. Normally I'd cram it in Thursday morning. Yeah forgot about that too. New plan is to watch it tomorrow and post asap.

Mistake #2: I'm realizing that my blog has been heavily devoted to SYTYCD reviews. Maybe some of you don't mind. But I'm all about diversity and I do have a lot of passions outside of sitting on my butt and watching T.V. (It always makes feel worse when the subject of my T.V. viewing is something super active. So, SYTYCD + Olympics haven't been helping the guilt factor much :/ ) I've had 3 or 4 other posts planned. And I've failed to finish them.

SYTYCD: Top 16 Perform, Second Elimination

So normally I sit down to watch the show on Wednesday nights as soon I as I get home, but since that was 1:00am this week, I decided to delay my viewing until Thursday afternoon. Luckily I managed to watch it before SYTCD updated their cover photo on facebook. Spoilers are not my favorite. Again, I will reveal the bottom 3/eliminated dancers at the end of the post.

Overall thoughts: There were some phenomenal moments on the show tonight, however it felt like a lot of couples had some low performances tonight :(

Still not sure if I like the new format for dance selection, but we’ll have to go with it. 

Healthy food I like? Get out!

Something happened to me today.

I got excited about my snack. My HEALTHY snack.

And not just “yummy” excited. Blissfully-don’t-bother-me-right-now-excited. I closed my bedroom door and put on my favorite music and just enjoyed my snack.

I think I may have been replaced in the night. I hate healthy food. Or I guess I should say hated. I usually avoid it. Whenever I read a low-cal recipe with soy-anything in it, I immediately move on. A friend posted on pinterest about using cucumbers as crackers and I got a little grossed out.

I have been known to eat dessert AS A MEAL. I’ve also been known to say things like “there’s always room for ice-cream (my ALL time favorite dessert)—it just fits into all the crevices in your tummy.” I always choose full-fat versions of stuff, because—get this—I CAN TASTE THE DIFFERENCE and it bothers me. And even if I can’t taste it, I say crap like, “well, whatever they put in there to make it taste the same can’t be good for you.”

SYTYCD: Top 20 Perform, Part 2

Overall thoughts: I was a bit underwhelmed with this episode. Last week, I kept saying THIS is my favorite performance. And then the next couple would get up there and I would change my mind. I had so many favorites last week, I couldn’t decide who to vote for! (And I kind of forgot they close the voting after the show, so I missed it and never voted. Oops!) This week, a few were really well done, but a lot of them just fell flat.

**In the interest of being spoiler-ish free, I won’t reveal the eliminated dancers until the end of my post. Although if you follow SYTYCD on facebook, they already took care of that for you.

SYTYCD: Top 20 Perform, Part 1

Yikes this is a long post! I know it will shrink as *sniff* dancers get eliminated :(

This week the top 20 performed again, but this time they were matched up as partners and competing.

This year, for the first time, there will be two winners—one boy & one girl, but FOUR contestants will be eliminated next week. That is going to be a rough cut next week.

Summertime!

I love summer.

Actually I love all the seasons for different reasons (oh a crack myself up!) but since the first day of summer was last week, right now, I love summer!

I love it for all the regular reasons: warm weather, sunshine, beach trips, lots of free time, traveling, etc. As a teacher I still get summer vacation like the kids do. So I really love summer. I’m listening to one of Pandora’s “summer stations,” drinking my favorite coffee enjoying the warm CA sunshine streaming through my window. I’ll probably take a book out to the patio this afternoon, because I can!

Another reason I love summer?

If I had a penny for every time I started to exercise...

A few months ago I decided that I was finally going to get serious about working out. I’ve made this promise to myself dozens of times before so I can’t guarantee that THIS will be the time but you got to start somewhere.

I’ve joined the Zumba craze via the wonderful world of a DVD player. Logic? It was more expensive than the monthly gym membership but I paid it once instead of every month. Plus I have no faith nor desire to see my booty shaking at all in a public atmosphere (neither do you, trust me!) So I felt it best to save other’s eyes and suffer my living room walls to my “dancing” (if these walls could talk…)

Do you know what Zumba is? A simple google search will tell you all that you need to know. Youtube it if you want to watch others acting crazy. Or read my blurb below:

My Next Book Shall Be Called:

Unraveling of a Substitute's Mind 

or

How To Piss Off the Substitute Teacher in 5 Easy Steps

The list of asinine things a student will do when they have a substitute teacher is endless. It never ceases to amaze me what they try to get away with or how they think they can treat me.

I could write a book.

Making Waves...In My Knitting Bag ;)

I'm not really sure why I decided not to blog for the entire month of April. It wasn't really intentional, but it happened! Sister was in town for spring break so that accounts for a good chunk of my time, but the rest is just laziness I guess :)

A slight employment update: I did not get the job I interviewed for last month :( But I've had over twenty sub assignments over the past few months. So that's good. I've also spent a lot of time on education employment websites (yes, those are a real thing) and I've been applying all over the state of California (shhhh don't tell my roomies. haha, just kidding. I live with my parents. They are looking for an excuse to kick me out.)

But the main reason I wanted to post today? To share about my latest yarn project!

T-shirt Attempt...Part 2

Yesterday I begin to share my attempt at decorating a shirt for THE HUNGER GAMES viewing. Here's the rest of the story:

I had to sub on Friday, but I spent my lunch break cutting my image transfers. I don’t know why this is, but dark image transfer paper isn’t dark. It’s white. And when you iron it on to your dark garment (which is presumably black) the white doesn’t go away. It just stays. I didn’t want a solid white block on my shirt so I cut as close to the letters as possible. It surprisingly didn’t take too long and I was finished before the bell rang. I started thinking that maybe the worst was behind me and that was going to be smooth sailing from here on out.

In which I decide it would be a good idea to make my own t-shirt

How are there people in this world who do this? All the time? For fun???

I have never met a more nerve-wracking and stressful activity that I wanted to flee from.

A month ago my book club decided it would be super awesome to all see THE HUNGER GAMES together. Obviously this was the good decision.

Then we thought (and alcohol may have influenced this decision), “wouldn’t it be even MORE awesome if we had HUNGER GAMES themed t-shirts?”

Then once I was sober I actually promoted and encouraged this idea. WHAT?!

We could have just bought shirts, but no, we had to be cool and customize them.

Here’s the part where I must have lost my mind. I thought this would “easy” and “fun” and that I could pull it off no problem. I figured, why not? People do this all the time. It can’t be that hard. It’s probably easy. The packaging always shows pre-teens looking snazzy and hey I want to look snazzy so let’s do it!

So with about 0 pieces of information I set out on a dangerous mission. Let's just say the odds were definitely NOT in my favor.

Poetry...will you help me get a job?

I had an interview this week followed up by a call-back! Holler I made it to round 2 and THEN they asked me to come back and demo a lesson.


Talk about walking on cloud 9! I know that I'm passionate about teaching and that I'm weird because I like working with junior high students. Actually I enjoy working with junior highers. It's nice to know that somebody else recognizes that and is interested in knowing more about me :)


For the demo lesson I am required to teach an 8th grade poetry lesson based on the state standards. I've received conflicting information on the times. The AP secretary told me 30 minutes and the district sent me an email asking for 15 "to allow for questions afterward." Eh I'll shoot for about 20-25. Honestly if they read my lesson plan I have a hard time imagining that they will even need to ask questions!


Kidding.


But on a serious note, this is the most detailed lesson plan I have ever written. Granted I've had two days to work on it and I'm not presenting till Monday for a total of four days on ONE lesson plan.


When I was student teaching I had to turn in a WEEKS worth of lesson plans for both my preps. That accounted to 10 lesson plans every week. Most of which I wrote in one evening with a glass of wine in my hand. I'm not saying I didn't give it a lot of thought but I certainly didn't write 2 page lesson plans. I did my best to stretch it to one page. There wasn't time for me to explain all the nuances of my teaching style. I put together a basic outline and that was it. I still had essays to grade! 


Anyway, I'm really excited about the lesson I've put together and I'm looking forward to presenting it although I'm a bit nervous. I've never really "demoed" a lesson before-- I think teaching it would be easier!

Prufrock is my mantra

I finally watched Midnight in Paris tonight. My parents couldn't get through it (they claimed it was "boring.") I found it gleefully wonderful. Sometimes I love being home alone so that I can dork out and watch movies like this.

A very wise professor once told me that this was a viewing requirement for all English majors and I concur. Now I'm not a huge fan of Owen Wilson. I think he's a bit obnoxious and his nose bothers me, plus I doubt he would truly appreciate being in the presence of Hemingway & Fitzgerald. But I digress. 

I sure it comes as no surprise that when I play the game "what famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have dinner with?" that I always select an author (not always a dead one, but those ones are a bit more fascinating ;) I think it would be amazing to sit down with ANY of the brilliant minds portrayed in the film (+ a bazillion* other guys)

*yes I know bazillion is not a word.

This film also made me want to go to Paris, France. Or anywhere in Europe for that matter. I did NOT understand Rachel McAdams character. How do you not like Paris? And rain in Paris? If my imaginary fiance told me he wanted to move to France and LIVE there, I would not for a second be practical. Who cares that I can't speak French and I know 0 people there...it's Paris. France. Case closed. I'm more like Meg Ryan's character in French Kiss.

And let's not forget that there are beautiful vineyards and French wine there. Okay I'm completely basing my entire perception of a country off of cinematic interpretations. But look at this:

Anyway, what was my point? 

Dead authors yes. Didn't you hate it when your English teacher told, "this is what the author meant when he/she wrote this..." and you wanted to argue back, "how do you know what they meant? they're dead."

First of all, we we went to college forever + day so we DO know everything these authors could have been thinking so stop arguing with us. Second of all, that is exactly why we need the time space continuum exploited in Midnight in Paris!

It's the little things

It doesn't take much to make me happy. I don't need big, extravagant things to put a huge smile on my face. Here's what's made me happy this week:


-first paycheck as a sub (yep it's little but it's money!)
-subbing at the junior high where I student taught (it's like going home :)
-coconut coffee creamer
-snuggles with my kitty
-talking with my sister
-spending an evening with friends
-finding my crochet hooks (they went missing for a bit)
-listening to a good audiobook
-working in my art journal
-knitting a scarf
-buying my tickets for "The Hunger Games" (!!!!)


I don't always take time to appreciate the things that make me happy but it's fun to stop and think about all the good things instead of being consumed by the stuff that brings me down

Confession time: I hate planning my birthday party.

I know, what’s wrong with me? Is that supposed to be the easiest and bestest** party to plan? Maybe for some people, but I find that birthday’s come with a myriad of confusing emotions.

There are several ways to approach one’s birthday.

1. Appreciate the fact that it’s the one day of the year that you can basically make people love you and not feel bad about it. Be the center of attention. Let people sing to you and make you cakes and give you gifts. Make outlandish decisions about activities for the day (“Let’s all go skydiving!! It’s my birthday!!”) Everyone has to do what you said BECAUSE it’s your birthday. It’s like being the queen of a small country and the country is your social group.  I think this is the best way to approach your day until you are about 7 and then you may come across as selfish. At some point you have to realize that they are actual countries bigger than your social group that are starving and maybe it shouldn’t be all about you? I hope I didn’t seriously harm someone’s birthday perspective. I’ve probably just watched too much of MTV’s “My Sweet Sixteen.” I think it’s perfectly fine to enjoy attention on your birthday but I know that I can't live this to its fullest because then I feel selfish.
   
2. Pretend like you don’t care that it’s your birthday. Don’t have a party. Don’t even mention that it is your birthday. Go to work. Act like it’s a normal day. And then don’t be upset when no one wishes you a happy birthday. I think this is the hardest attitude to pull off. How does one NOT care about your birthday? Our culture tells you it’s the greatest day of the year (see MTV comment above). I understand not wanting to be the center of attention but don’t try to make everyone believe that you don’t care.
3. Bemoan the fact that you are another year older. This is another popular attitude in our culture. Everyone is dying and no one can stand being older than 25. I’m totally guilty of this and get mad when the cashier doesn’t bother to card me when I buy a bottle of wine at 10am on a Wednesday, but still at some point this attitude get’s annoying. Everyone is aging and no one control it, so why complain about it? It’s like getting irritated that the sun is setting. Also there are plenty of people who DON’T make it to their next birthday. Walk the kids cancer ward at your local hospital and you will be immensely grateful  for every gray hair and wrinkle on your body.

Ugh, so how do I approach my birthday? The kid in me loves the attention. The adult in me is trying to be pragmatic. 

Here's what I've done in the past:
1-18-- actual parties
19 & 20-- don't remember. I was on Corona so I was probably in Vegas for a competition or at rehearsal.

21-- coffee w/ sister + best friend. followed by bible study @ church

22-- group of friends got take out @ pick up stix
23-- actual party
24-- best friend was in town for a funeral. went to game night at a friends house (not related to my birthday)
25-- ??

I think I will either go out to a favorite restaurant (yet to be determined) with the people who responded yes to my text or invite those same people over to my house and have a nice night in.

Either way I'm sure it will be a great weekend. And next year, someone else can plan my party :D

**this is not a real word

A bit of nostalgia but also the importance of true friendship

I feel a bit like a kid right now. The young adult chapter at church is taking off on our winter retreat tomorrow. In true amy fashion I finished my packing about 30 minutes ago. I am incapable of packing any sooner than the night before. It doesn't matter where I'm going or for how long. It's a sure bet that around 11 or midnight I'll finally drag my duffel from under my bed and start stuffing things inside :)


When I was in high school, retreats were the HIGHLIGHT of my existence. Oh I remember the weeks of anticipation once the dates were announced. My group would scream with joy every time it was mentioned. FINALLY it would be the week of retreat. I would do all my laundry like I was shipping off for boarding school instead of camping out for 3 days. I would start a camp pile that would inevitable be moved around as I realized I still needed my toothbrush. 


Thursday night at church was the best night of the year. Everyone was crazy excited for the weekend. We were so hyper. Sometimes I wonder why our staff didn't go crazy but now that I've been on the other side of it I know they were just as excited although a little more exhausted since they had full time jobs to attend to instead of high school like the rest of us. Plus our energy was contagious.


The best feeling came at the end of the night when we said goodbye knowing that in 24 hours we would be at camp! It felt like the slumber party never had to end.


I'm not sure what kind of student I was on camp day. Probably a terrible one. I imagine I was way too distracted to be concerned with the variable x or diagramming participial phrases. 


And then mom would drop me off, me dragging me fat duffel bag and my trash bag of sleeping stuff. I don't know why that was a camp tradition but everyone always stuffed their sleeping bag, pillows & towels in a trash bag. We tapped duck tape and wrote our names on the side to make them identifiable. Everything was thrown in a pile which was later added to to the "stuff truck" or in some years under the charter bus. My friends and I goofed around even more hyped up now that camp was finally here. People munched on french fries and sipped coca-cola from the fast food joints that nourished us that night. Once everyone arrived (and someone was always AT least 1/2 hour late) we would gather and pray over our weekend. Then we would hope in the cars/on the bus and be off. 


I'm not in high school anymore. I don't have time to spend a week on laundry or to start a camp pile. But I've felt a bit of that joy and passion I used to have in high school returning. At worship night a few weeks ago it felt like a regular Thursday Nite. And tonight I got to re-experience the joy of knowing I will see my friends in less than 24 hours. This year I'm helping to lead a part of the retreat (a discussion on prayer). But I feel closer to my friends than I've felt in a long time and THAT is the best feeling of all :D

Duality

I went a walk today. It was nice to get out and walk around. I think I pulled something in my leg sometime in the past week so now I have my knee all wrapped up in an ace bandage and I look like an invalid as I limp around my house. awesome.


Funny story about that ace bandage. I've had it forever. I probably bought it when I was in guard and getting injured every other week. I've lost both the clasps that come with an ace bandage. The thing is currently safety-pinned to my leg. Classy, right?


Something I've been thinking about recently is duality. I find that I tend to exist in sort of a paradoxical state. Fancy sounding right? Paradox just means two statements that are both true but contradict each other at the same time. I find that I'm often wanting two opposite things at the same time. Maybe that's just the human condition. But I find I often desire a particular circumstance and then once I get it I want nothing more than to get out of it. For example, sometimes I'll be so exhausted from my day that all I want to do is curl up in my bed and watch Project Runway while eating ice cream. Except I can't because I have some sort of event or appointment to report to. And then that thing will get cancelled and I'll have the whole evening to myself and all I want to do is hang out with someone. I'm a mess aren't I?


Recently I'm dealing with the fact that I really don't want to talk about something that I need to talk about. Sounds confusing, right? Basically I want someone to ask me about my issues and let me talk about them. But I don't want them to ask me because then I have to acknowledge the fact that I need to talk to someone. And that there is something wrong. Part of me likes having the strong front that life is wonderful and I am happy. Okay, all of me likes that. But there is still a core part of my being that longs for someone to look at me and say I can tell you're not okay and I'm here for you. 

processing.

Life is weird sometimes.


It's not easy. Sometimes it just confuses the crap out of me. 


I spent a lot of time this weekend with people that I really care about. It was refreshing to be reminded of all the strong relationships in my life. 


My relationship status changed last week. And not in the squeally-let-me-tell-all-my-friends way. More of the eat-ice-cream-because-calories-don't-count-when-you're-sad way. I guess I'm processing. I'm not sure what to say. 


I'm knitting a scarf with a wave pattern right now. I REALLY like it. I think it will be awesome when I'm done. I've also stared painting/art journaling. It's been a nice creative outlet for me. Sometimes it's good to get messy. 


My other personal project is "power of prayer." I know, cliche title. Whatever. I made myself a prayer journal. I'm writing down ALL my prayers everyday. And I'm committing to pray about them. I'm excited to watch the progress. 


Eh, that's all for now. I miss my kids. And teaching. I subbed last week, but it wasn't the same. It's hard to be jobless. I want to be in the classroom. But this break is also forcing me to look at myself and I think that's a healthy if not necessary part of life. 

Why?

My heart is heavy tonight. I found out that a little boy (12 years old) that attends my church died this evening. I don't know the full extent of the situation other than he had a a seizure this afternoon and then went to the E.R.

Death is always sad, but when it happens to a child it seems to be infinitely sadder. Children aren't supposed to die. I wasn't very close with the family, but my church is a small community and when one us hurts, we all heart.  I feel broken for them and I don't know how to even imagine what they are going through.

We take things in life for granted so easily. Waking up tomorrow, seeing my family, going to work, drinking my coffee with creamer, I assume all of these things will happen. I rely on that consistency. But life is not consistent. It is not reliable. It's short. And sometimes it's harsh.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my pastor started a series on prayer this week at church. Prayer is such a mysterious and complex topic. I can't do the sermon justice but I will try to paint a picture of the multitude of prayers he shared with us. He went through a list of miracles that God has performed in his life including the birth of his son and the removal of a wart on his finger. In my own life I've experienced the miracle of the credential program (for me at least, the fact that I've survived and passed all my TPA's is a miracle). I've also seen God protect my family and provide for me to travel to Japan.

But sometimes it feels like our prayers go unanswered and unheard. And I'm not referring to any Garth Brooks song. Why did this boy die today? How can God heal warts and help me persevere through TPA's and yet take a child before his 13th birthday? How is that right or fair or good?

I know there isn't an easy answer to any of this. I'm not even asking for one. I just feel a need to put my question out to the universe as to the justice of this all. I remember when my aunt died in 2004. She was my uncle's second wife but I loved her. She was one of those cool adults who actually paid attention to the kids in the family. She made my uncle a better person. She died of pulmonary embolism one night in April. Suddenly. No warning. Just gone.

We come to God in our joy and in our sorrows. Sometimes we have a laundry list of demands or a song of praise. And sometimes all we can do is say, "why?" God isn't obligated to answer us. I think on one level we really have no right to know let alone ask. But we are relational human beings with a need to understand. We are trying to make sense of this. It doesn't make sense.

I don't have a way to rationalize this. I'm going to get ready for bed and try to sleep and pray for the family. I  don't really know what to pray for. But I will try. Maybe tomorrow the words will come. Maybe.