Waiting: Week Three~ish

I have to say I am coming off of a wonderful weekend. My best friend (hi Erin!) was here for 3 days before leaving me to go back to Oregon. We had a blast at another friend’s “goodbye bash,” a baby shower, and a girls game night. I got very little sleep and drank a lot of coffee but those are my favorite times. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be having another one of those weekends in just three days. I will be flying to Oregon for my sister’s graduation!

I’m absolutely positive I will get not enough sleep, but will get to spend precious, precious time with my beautiful sister. So far I’ve been promised a fancy caramel making session, wine tasting in the Willamette Valley, dinner at her fancy pants restaurant, and lots of uber closeness that will drive her bananas. :)

On top of that, God continues to patiently teach me about the process of waiting and I’m surprisingly finding more & more joy as I continue to pursue Him.

My wonderful journey continued with last week’s post: http://www.heirswithchrist.com/2012/10/15-free-to-fail-so-dont-wait.html

I was drawn to this quote from the above blog: “Cynicism masquerades as strength. We build buttresses made of negative promises. Arrows can’t pierce nonexistent dreams.”

That line right there describes me a little too perfectly. I’ve taught myself for years that “if I don’t care about or don’t want it, then it won’t hurt if I never get it.” It’s a false protection that makes me feel safe. If you’ve ever had to wait for something, or if you have sat in the rubble of your broken dreams, well, then you know pain. And you probably didn’t like it. Sometimes it hurts so much that we don’t want to feel that pain again. We’d prefer not to feel anything at all. So we build walls around our hearts and our lives. It keeps out the pain, but it keeps out everything else as well. You can’t have the good things in life without experiencing hurt and heartache.

The irony of it all, of course, is that the people with the thickest walls (like myself) are just as fragile and broken as the rest of the world. It takes the right person or sometimes the right group of people to help break down those walls. I won’t for a second pretend that I’ve got this all taken care of. They (my walls) are still there, but they are starting to crumble. It’s scary when you take steps to remove your walls. You get to experience some amazing moments of grace & love but you also open yourself up to pain again.

I’ve also began to ask myself: "What are my ‘nonexistent’ dreams? What do I pretend that I don’t care about in order to avoid pain?”

I think times of waiting puts us in a place to consider our forgotten and ignored dreams. All of the time and energy we would have spent on our other dream (the one we are waiting for) now has the opportunity to be put towards the pursuit of another. But, that often feels like giving up. So we stubbornly hold on (I’m very skilled at this). Sitting in the wait seems to be better. We end up clinging to any shadow of our dream only to end up dissatisfied and disappointed

The truth is, we aren’t in control. None of our sitting, waiting, or chasing shadows are going to make the dream come true. It is out of our control. Trying to force it to happen only makes it more depressing when it doesn’t happen.

To further add to this, I read Acts 8:1-8 and a commentary from Blue Letter Bible by David Guzik. The very beginning of chapter 8 describes the persecution of the earlier believers by Saul including the stoning of Stephen. David said of this passage: God can and will use pressing circumstances to guide us into His will. When everything is fine, we may have never considered going a certain course; then a crisis opens our eyes to that course. Sometimes we have to be shaken out of our comfortable state before we do what God wants us to!

I have to say, it IS true that I am being drawn to things I may never have considered if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t have my own classroom right now. I certainly wouldn't be spending this much time in the Word and in my journal if everything had worked out the way that I thought it would. I don’t like it but God HAS used this time in my life to draw me closer to Him and I’m learning so much. It has been a blessing even though I never cold have imagined that before.

On Friday, I received a phone call from a dear friend of mine that I met in college. She joined the Bible study that I was leading and we quickly developed a friendship when I learned she was an English major (!) and had spent much of her life in Japan. In the two years since I graduated, we’ve continued to stay connected. She always blows me away with the deepness of her faith and her ability to speak truth in my life. I leave our conversations humbled and seeking God. Last week was certainly no different as we expressed our mutual frustration with the state of waiting in our lives.

I also finally admitted something I’ve been ignoring for awhile in regards to subbing. It’s no secret that I don’t particularly like it. I complain about it on a regular basis. As I was talking with my friend I realized that I needed to let go of the bitterness in my heart. I’ve chosen not to enjoy subbing; because if I do, then it seems like I’m accepting my situation and given up on my dream. Oh how stubbornly I hold onto things! I am so scared that I will become complacent and stop wanting to be a teacher. If this is a God-given desire (as I believe it is) won’t my loving and gracious God honor that even as I wait?

I think so. Perhaps God wants me to let go of so much more than my desire for control, but also my bitterness when things don’t go my way. Perhaps He is chiseling away to lead me to a place of surrender and to a place where I will be open to new ideas and new dreams.

You may be wondering what some of “nonexistent” dreams are. I will share one of those with you right now. I’ve wanted to write more for a long time—it’s one of the reasons that I started this blog. But I’ve also decided to do something that is a little bit bat-shit crazy.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo: “a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing on November 1. The goal is to write a 50,000-word (approximately 175-page) novel by 11:59:59 PM on November 30.” (description from their website)

How the heck I think I’m going to have time to do this is beyond me. But, why not? Why not try something you have never done before and see where it takes you?

Finally, at the center of all our dreams and our hopes should be our ultimate desire to delight in God. If that is first, then the rest will follow. So if I first desire to delight in Christ and then decide to write a novel, His grace will be upon that work and guide me in my writings. If I first desire God and then go to teach, then I will teach as a child of God and treat my students as such.

It’s a domino effect. It takes time and practice to achieve. Everyday, we have to wake up and train ourselves to delight and desire in God. Our hearts will be satisfied by that so much more than if we seek after our own desires.