Confession time: I hate planning my birthday party.

I know, what’s wrong with me? Is that supposed to be the easiest and bestest** party to plan? Maybe for some people, but I find that birthday’s come with a myriad of confusing emotions.

There are several ways to approach one’s birthday.

1. Appreciate the fact that it’s the one day of the year that you can basically make people love you and not feel bad about it. Be the center of attention. Let people sing to you and make you cakes and give you gifts. Make outlandish decisions about activities for the day (“Let’s all go skydiving!! It’s my birthday!!”) Everyone has to do what you said BECAUSE it’s your birthday. It’s like being the queen of a small country and the country is your social group.  I think this is the best way to approach your day until you are about 7 and then you may come across as selfish. At some point you have to realize that they are actual countries bigger than your social group that are starving and maybe it shouldn’t be all about you? I hope I didn’t seriously harm someone’s birthday perspective. I’ve probably just watched too much of MTV’s “My Sweet Sixteen.” I think it’s perfectly fine to enjoy attention on your birthday but I know that I can't live this to its fullest because then I feel selfish.
   
2. Pretend like you don’t care that it’s your birthday. Don’t have a party. Don’t even mention that it is your birthday. Go to work. Act like it’s a normal day. And then don’t be upset when no one wishes you a happy birthday. I think this is the hardest attitude to pull off. How does one NOT care about your birthday? Our culture tells you it’s the greatest day of the year (see MTV comment above). I understand not wanting to be the center of attention but don’t try to make everyone believe that you don’t care.
3. Bemoan the fact that you are another year older. This is another popular attitude in our culture. Everyone is dying and no one can stand being older than 25. I’m totally guilty of this and get mad when the cashier doesn’t bother to card me when I buy a bottle of wine at 10am on a Wednesday, but still at some point this attitude get’s annoying. Everyone is aging and no one control it, so why complain about it? It’s like getting irritated that the sun is setting. Also there are plenty of people who DON’T make it to their next birthday. Walk the kids cancer ward at your local hospital and you will be immensely grateful  for every gray hair and wrinkle on your body.

Ugh, so how do I approach my birthday? The kid in me loves the attention. The adult in me is trying to be pragmatic. 

Here's what I've done in the past:
1-18-- actual parties
19 & 20-- don't remember. I was on Corona so I was probably in Vegas for a competition or at rehearsal.

21-- coffee w/ sister + best friend. followed by bible study @ church

22-- group of friends got take out @ pick up stix
23-- actual party
24-- best friend was in town for a funeral. went to game night at a friends house (not related to my birthday)
25-- ??

I think I will either go out to a favorite restaurant (yet to be determined) with the people who responded yes to my text or invite those same people over to my house and have a nice night in.

Either way I'm sure it will be a great weekend. And next year, someone else can plan my party :D

**this is not a real word

A bit of nostalgia but also the importance of true friendship

I feel a bit like a kid right now. The young adult chapter at church is taking off on our winter retreat tomorrow. In true amy fashion I finished my packing about 30 minutes ago. I am incapable of packing any sooner than the night before. It doesn't matter where I'm going or for how long. It's a sure bet that around 11 or midnight I'll finally drag my duffel from under my bed and start stuffing things inside :)


When I was in high school, retreats were the HIGHLIGHT of my existence. Oh I remember the weeks of anticipation once the dates were announced. My group would scream with joy every time it was mentioned. FINALLY it would be the week of retreat. I would do all my laundry like I was shipping off for boarding school instead of camping out for 3 days. I would start a camp pile that would inevitable be moved around as I realized I still needed my toothbrush. 


Thursday night at church was the best night of the year. Everyone was crazy excited for the weekend. We were so hyper. Sometimes I wonder why our staff didn't go crazy but now that I've been on the other side of it I know they were just as excited although a little more exhausted since they had full time jobs to attend to instead of high school like the rest of us. Plus our energy was contagious.


The best feeling came at the end of the night when we said goodbye knowing that in 24 hours we would be at camp! It felt like the slumber party never had to end.


I'm not sure what kind of student I was on camp day. Probably a terrible one. I imagine I was way too distracted to be concerned with the variable x or diagramming participial phrases. 


And then mom would drop me off, me dragging me fat duffel bag and my trash bag of sleeping stuff. I don't know why that was a camp tradition but everyone always stuffed their sleeping bag, pillows & towels in a trash bag. We tapped duck tape and wrote our names on the side to make them identifiable. Everything was thrown in a pile which was later added to to the "stuff truck" or in some years under the charter bus. My friends and I goofed around even more hyped up now that camp was finally here. People munched on french fries and sipped coca-cola from the fast food joints that nourished us that night. Once everyone arrived (and someone was always AT least 1/2 hour late) we would gather and pray over our weekend. Then we would hope in the cars/on the bus and be off. 


I'm not in high school anymore. I don't have time to spend a week on laundry or to start a camp pile. But I've felt a bit of that joy and passion I used to have in high school returning. At worship night a few weeks ago it felt like a regular Thursday Nite. And tonight I got to re-experience the joy of knowing I will see my friends in less than 24 hours. This year I'm helping to lead a part of the retreat (a discussion on prayer). But I feel closer to my friends than I've felt in a long time and THAT is the best feeling of all :D

Duality

I went a walk today. It was nice to get out and walk around. I think I pulled something in my leg sometime in the past week so now I have my knee all wrapped up in an ace bandage and I look like an invalid as I limp around my house. awesome.


Funny story about that ace bandage. I've had it forever. I probably bought it when I was in guard and getting injured every other week. I've lost both the clasps that come with an ace bandage. The thing is currently safety-pinned to my leg. Classy, right?


Something I've been thinking about recently is duality. I find that I tend to exist in sort of a paradoxical state. Fancy sounding right? Paradox just means two statements that are both true but contradict each other at the same time. I find that I'm often wanting two opposite things at the same time. Maybe that's just the human condition. But I find I often desire a particular circumstance and then once I get it I want nothing more than to get out of it. For example, sometimes I'll be so exhausted from my day that all I want to do is curl up in my bed and watch Project Runway while eating ice cream. Except I can't because I have some sort of event or appointment to report to. And then that thing will get cancelled and I'll have the whole evening to myself and all I want to do is hang out with someone. I'm a mess aren't I?


Recently I'm dealing with the fact that I really don't want to talk about something that I need to talk about. Sounds confusing, right? Basically I want someone to ask me about my issues and let me talk about them. But I don't want them to ask me because then I have to acknowledge the fact that I need to talk to someone. And that there is something wrong. Part of me likes having the strong front that life is wonderful and I am happy. Okay, all of me likes that. But there is still a core part of my being that longs for someone to look at me and say I can tell you're not okay and I'm here for you. 

processing.

Life is weird sometimes.


It's not easy. Sometimes it just confuses the crap out of me. 


I spent a lot of time this weekend with people that I really care about. It was refreshing to be reminded of all the strong relationships in my life. 


My relationship status changed last week. And not in the squeally-let-me-tell-all-my-friends way. More of the eat-ice-cream-because-calories-don't-count-when-you're-sad way. I guess I'm processing. I'm not sure what to say. 


I'm knitting a scarf with a wave pattern right now. I REALLY like it. I think it will be awesome when I'm done. I've also stared painting/art journaling. It's been a nice creative outlet for me. Sometimes it's good to get messy. 


My other personal project is "power of prayer." I know, cliche title. Whatever. I made myself a prayer journal. I'm writing down ALL my prayers everyday. And I'm committing to pray about them. I'm excited to watch the progress. 


Eh, that's all for now. I miss my kids. And teaching. I subbed last week, but it wasn't the same. It's hard to be jobless. I want to be in the classroom. But this break is also forcing me to look at myself and I think that's a healthy if not necessary part of life. 

Why?

My heart is heavy tonight. I found out that a little boy (12 years old) that attends my church died this evening. I don't know the full extent of the situation other than he had a a seizure this afternoon and then went to the E.R.

Death is always sad, but when it happens to a child it seems to be infinitely sadder. Children aren't supposed to die. I wasn't very close with the family, but my church is a small community and when one us hurts, we all heart.  I feel broken for them and I don't know how to even imagine what they are going through.

We take things in life for granted so easily. Waking up tomorrow, seeing my family, going to work, drinking my coffee with creamer, I assume all of these things will happen. I rely on that consistency. But life is not consistent. It is not reliable. It's short. And sometimes it's harsh.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my pastor started a series on prayer this week at church. Prayer is such a mysterious and complex topic. I can't do the sermon justice but I will try to paint a picture of the multitude of prayers he shared with us. He went through a list of miracles that God has performed in his life including the birth of his son and the removal of a wart on his finger. In my own life I've experienced the miracle of the credential program (for me at least, the fact that I've survived and passed all my TPA's is a miracle). I've also seen God protect my family and provide for me to travel to Japan.

But sometimes it feels like our prayers go unanswered and unheard. And I'm not referring to any Garth Brooks song. Why did this boy die today? How can God heal warts and help me persevere through TPA's and yet take a child before his 13th birthday? How is that right or fair or good?

I know there isn't an easy answer to any of this. I'm not even asking for one. I just feel a need to put my question out to the universe as to the justice of this all. I remember when my aunt died in 2004. She was my uncle's second wife but I loved her. She was one of those cool adults who actually paid attention to the kids in the family. She made my uncle a better person. She died of pulmonary embolism one night in April. Suddenly. No warning. Just gone.

We come to God in our joy and in our sorrows. Sometimes we have a laundry list of demands or a song of praise. And sometimes all we can do is say, "why?" God isn't obligated to answer us. I think on one level we really have no right to know let alone ask. But we are relational human beings with a need to understand. We are trying to make sense of this. It doesn't make sense.

I don't have a way to rationalize this. I'm going to get ready for bed and try to sleep and pray for the family. I  don't really know what to pray for. But I will try. Maybe tomorrow the words will come. Maybe. 

Happy Halloween!

I just realized two months have gone by since my last post. I can't even begin to put into words how BUSY life is now. There is SO much work each week. I'm writing lesson plans 1-2 weeks in advance, grading mountains of schoolwork and somewhere in there also hacking away at TPA #4. The 3rd one is turned in and hopefully being adjudicated as worthy of passing.


Halloween is on Monday. This is one of my hated/loved holidays. I love fall and all the festivities that are attached to it. Changing leaves, warm clothes, pumpkin pie, baking. I could go on and on. I love this time of year. Halloween gets roped into that and I do love pumpkins. I don't always love the actual holiday though because I'm so bad at creating good costumes. I just don't have that creative edge. My Halloween costumes are often recycled uniforms, pajamas or last minute (throw on a headband with felt cat ears...hey I'm a cat!) Last night I went to Mickey's Halloween Party (at Disneyland) and was blown away by the commitment and creativity that people put towards their uniforms. Half of them probably just went to the Disney store, but a lot of people went ALL out. My fav by far was a group that dressed up as Kevin, Russell, and Mr. Fredricksen.


Normally I avoid all the parties and stay at home. I usually have grading or work to do anyways. I couple of times I venture out and wear black and orange. This year, however, I will be at school on Halloween for the first time in 6 years. I'm seriously considering pulling off the Harry Potter character look although I'm vacillating between Luna (I have the hair) and Hermione (I have the scarf). To pull off Luna, I need a new HP scarf...which means my hooks may come out this weekend (TALK ABOUT LAST MINUTE!) To be Hermione, I just have to ignore the fact that I'm not brunette. It's a bit lame, I admit, but I don't have time to dye and/or find a wig. I don't know what it says about me that I DO think there's time to crochet a scarf.


Well my student's papers are giving me the evil eye ("grade me!") so I shall bid you adieu. Perhaps by Christmas I'll update as to which HP persona I went for :)

A Fresh Start

I love a new school year. This is the time of year that most means renewal to me. Perhaps it is the change in the weather: sharp, crisp air; autumn leaves; the scent of chimney fires. I love the squeak of new shoes. I love when Joe Fox (Tom Hanks/You’ve Got Mail) says this about the fall, “It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” A new school year means new beginnings and chance to achieve once more. New teachers, new students, new subjects, new clothes and new school supplies, it all makes me giddy with anticipation :)

This weekend I reorganized my closet (slacks & skirts on one side, dresses and tops on the other). I vacuumed. I cleared off my desk and set my 7th & 8th grade sections. I washed my sheets and made my bed. My books are alphabetized and my calendar is color-coordinated. It all screams clean and ready to go!

Today I worked on prepping for new school year. I read The First Days of School (well most of it—I’ll read a bit more tomorrow). I started making a list of all my to-do’s before next Wednesday. It keeps growing no matter how much I get done! I have my classroom management/discipline plan mostly done. Honestly I am really anxious for the school year to start. I can’t wait to meet my kids and getting started teaching. I don’t want January to come even though that means I’ll be getting my credential because it also means I won’t be teaching anymore unless I get a job right away.

Until then, I shall enjoy this fresh start of new beginnings :)